I got pregnant again at the end of September. I had been doing a wild yam regimen to try and balance my hormones. I had strong hopes for this one. Well, I ovulated eight times. I didn't conceive with every egg, I was trying not to. I just conceived with three. Only one made it past a few days, so I thought maybe this time it would work. I did get the answer from my body that this time (as with that whole macello a year ago) I was not producing hCG.

After doing some praying and asking my body questions, I found that the shots I had taken to conceive Tatiana had caused a blockage, and my body no longer triggered the production of hCG. I got a blessing, and was told that my body would clear out the blockage. Well, I was commanded to clear out he blockage is more like it.

Not long after I developed a huge swelling at the back of my left cheek. I spread and went down inflaming the left side of my neck. I was so painful! I usually sleep on my left side, and that was gone. I couldn't even turn my head, and opening my mouth wide enough to get in a spoon or fork with food was pure agony. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. My body kept saying that I wasn't sick. It took me a long time (more than four weeks) to put it together. That was the blockage moving out. It used to be some where in my hypothalamus. (I had gotten the answer that the base problem was somewhere in my hypothalamus gland.) But it moved out through the sinus cavity nearest it, and had made my face swell to a grotesque parody of my usual visage.

Well, in doing research (after this was figured out) I found that the hypothalamus controls both lutenizing hormone and FSH (follicle stimulating hormone.) In short, that is what controls how many and how long ovulation is-- exactly what my problem was this last year. I am hoping that this might also clear up the problem with not producing hCG, but when I talked with the reproductive endocrinologist, he said that they don't really know what triggers hCG, just that it is in conjunction with progesterone. Well, I know that I did have progesterone this last time, so I have to say that it must not be the first trigger, at least in my body.

I have a feeling that I am not all done. I want to cry when considering that. In a way I am so discouraged. I don't want to continue losing my babies. I have lost so many. People dismiss it because they say that I cannot know, but what does that matter? How does that make pain less if they believe that I cannot know?

I want do try some stuff that is supposed to help reset my pituitary, and thense my other glands. Funny, me dragging my feet over that. Really my only concern is shipping costs. What a small thing. I think it is more that I don't want to be out of options. And I am tired. My heart is tired and sore. Sometimes the grief gets to be more than I can take. So many losses recently. I just don't want it to continue. Maybe I will be stronger in a few weeks.

Meanwhile, I need to get back on track with getting my house ready to adopt a sibling group. Two weeks of me in bed nursing that horrid growth really let my house get trashed. By the way, I still have a small swelling on the side of my face after well over a month. The swelling has gone down, and is so free of pain that I can finally sleep on my left side again, however I lost the baby this week. I guess it takes time for my body to get unblocked. I try to tell myself that I can take it, and that I am strong. Maybe I will believe it soon.