It has been a long time since I typed anything. This is a long journey for me. I spent much time agonizing at how different this journey has been for me than for other women, even how different than my last pregnancy. I guess a part of me longs for normalcy. It would be so easy if I had other women pioneering the path of millennia. I wanted to have given birth months ago. I never coveted a pregnancy that lasted more than a year. And yet, that is what I have been given.

I spent much of January raging, fighting my own body. February has been more tranquil. I have accepted. Yes, there are still bouts with fear. Plenty of those, but I pray, I study, and I persevere. This has been a walk by faith for me.

Now I am searching out how to help my body go into labor. Normally I believe in the body's capability to handle this without interference, but in my case it is receiving mixed messages. I have four babies ready to be born (four more are nearing the time, but I do not think they are ready yet) but more are not ready, and producing hormones to stop labor.

I have begun taking maca to help my hormones be produced correctly, raspberry to help my body pay attention to my hormones more efficiently, and now I am studying and praying about other herbs trying to make decisions. A few times I have tried black and blue cohosh. Now I am looking at other things. My body is too good at being pregnant, but I fear for Havala and Merritt at this time. I think that both have come close to leaving me at separate times but have been stayed by the power of prayer.

I have become more peaceful about using prayer as a final decision making tool. I believe so strongly that my Heavenly Father is interested in me, wants these children to come to me. I want them too.

I do not know how many will be born alive. I do know that it wouldn't be as many as if I went in for a C-sec now. I do this for love of my children.