The other day one of my nieces sent me one of those puerile, simplistic online quizzes. It gave me the option of selecting one of three adjectives to describe her. Of the three choices I selected likable (as opposed to passionate or intelligent) and sent her a message stating that as I generally only find intelligent people truly likable because for me friendship is composed of conversation, and if there is nothing on which to converse, there is no way for friendship to develop, let alone blossom. I then asked her which of the three she thought applied to me.

She responded with an appology first for having sent the quiz. She had been expermenting on some websites in boredom, and had not intended to send it to me in the first place. She then told me that the obvious choice for me was likeable, because "everyone likes you."

I laughed at that. I have never been popular. From the bewildered child on the playground, who couldn't understand why no one knew about imagination games, to a lonely girl who prefered the company of books to jeers, to deliberate rebellion as a teenager, I have never been the center of a vast crowd.

Actually, I think it was a relief for anyone who noticed when I evolved from the bewildered child to the bookworm. That was infinitely more quantifiable and niche-like. People love it when others fit neatly into a predefined category. Even more tolerable was my teenage rebellion. While I did not follow any of the standard predefined areas of rebellion, there is nothing more comforting to an adult than the angst of the teenage years.

Adults love to put on the wise, long suffering role of a teacher or administrator benevolently tolerating the predictably standard divergance from the norm of society. There are even categories that they fall neatly into: punks, stoners, goths, geeks.... Well you know the lists.

It was easy for them to benignly tolerate my uniqueness at that point in time.

Now I am an adult and still not meshing into a comfortable spot. I am too conservative for the "natural" crowd, too liberal for the conservatives, too organic for most people, yet not strict enough for the health nuts. I am not a hippy, a vegan, or anything else for the liberals. I believe too much in family (large families being the ideal) yet I do not follow a branch of Christianity that is deemed Christian by many other Christians. (I laugh at this one. Christianity is the following of Jesus Christ, and to segregate themselves from me and shun me because they think they are more devout followers of our Lord?)

I just do not fit in any neat category.

The thing is, I find myself caring less. Yes it still bothers me when people do not take the time to know and understand me, but really, they don't do that with anyone anymore. As the farmer said of the mule that kicked him, "I just consider the source and let it go." I can ignore the mules.

What bothers me are those who pretend to accept and then try to force me to conform to their ways. Oh it is in small things, subtle and manipulative; maybe they do not even realize they are doing it. It is in the pretended horror that anyone would contemplate an action that they know that some do. It is in the "we would never do that, would we?" Please. I am a mother. More importantly I was once a child. I recognize manipulation because I was once quite skilled at it, or thought I was.

I prefer directness, straightforwardness, honesty. Most dislike my methods. I am never cruel deliberately. I seek gentleness, but I strive never to compromise what I believe in for the sake of those who would prefer to ignore it. I would rather avoid the people. So that is where I am.

I accept that I do not fit in. I am neither fish, nor fowl, nor good red meat. Despite that, I am also not a bug that can be crushed.