As I expected, not all have survived, but more are gone than I thought. From the bleeding that started in March, I have to assume that all are gone. It is a very sad thing. I think the older ones were reabsorbed long ago. I just kept adding because I didn't want to lose them. Missed miscarriage combined with false pregnancy is what I think the best explanation is. I do think I kept ovulating, but didn't bleed out. Perhaps that is my body's interpretation of a kind of endometriosis? In March I did bleed, and very heavily. I passed great clots of blood and tissue. This was not what I wanted, but I accept.

I think that rather than having so many at once, I just kept adding, never subtracting the ones that went. At the end when I added so quickly I am guessing since my questions were based on a false premise I got weird answers. I knew they were weird, but I didn't know how to get better answers. I should have just started over and established a baseline. (Kineseology)

I was very sad, and wanted to insulate myself from the world, to hide and hurt. Then my daughter came to me and asked me to read a book. I looked at her sweet face, and pulled her on the bed with me, read her, tickled her, loved her and her sister too when she joined us. After all, the essence of motherhood is too look outside yourself, love when you are sad, and heal when you hurt. In healing others, we ourselves are healed.

I think the greatest thing that I learned from this experience is love. My idea of what constitutes a large family has been stretched. I know that I will end up adopting more, perhaps families. My heart has more room for children to love. If that was why I needed to go through this, then I am grateful.